Examples & Strategies for Setting Boundaries in Different Circumstances
Utilizing the DEAR MAN Strategy in Boundary Setting
Last week we wrote about the DEAR MAN strategy and its importance in setting boundaries. This week we want to provide some examples of the DEAR MAN strategy to help illustrate its utility. Setting healthy boundaries is fundamental to any healthy relationship. Knowing how to do so in a way that is respectful, informative, and clear, can help you develop healthy and enriching relationships. Before we get started with the scenarios, here is a brief review of the DEAR MAN strategy discussed last week:
What Is DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN is an acronym representing a step-by-step process for communicating assertively and effectively. Each letter stands for a specific action to take in conversations where it’s essential to be clear and assertive. The DEAR MAN skill is part of DBT's Interpersonal Effectiveness module, specifically designed to help people get what they want or need while maintaining their relationships. It stands for:
D – Describe: Start by describing the situation in a factual, non-judgmental way. Stick to the facts of what happened, without adding your interpretation or emotion to the description. This helps prevent the other person from feeling defensive right from the start.
Example: “When you ask me to hang out after school, I often have a lot of homework to finish.”
E – Express: Share your feelings or opinions about the situation. Be honest and open, without blaming or accusing the other person.
Example: “I feel stressed when I think about balancing social time with getting my work done.”
A – Assert: Clearly ask for what you want or say “no” to something that you don’t want. It’s crucial to be direct, rather than hoping the other person will guess what you need.
Example: “I need to say no to hanging out today because I have too much work.”
R – Reinforce: Reinforce the benefits of your request. Let the other person know why it’s a good idea or what positive outcomes could result from meeting your request.
Example: “If I can finish my work today, I’ll be free to hang out this weekend, and I’ll be more relaxed.”
The MAN Skills: Staying Focused
Once you’ve communicated your request or boundary, it’s essential to hold your ground and stay focused. This is where the "MAN" part of DEAR MAN comes in:
M – Mindful: Stay focused on your goals in the conversation. Don’t get sidetracked by other topics or emotional reactions. Keep bringing the conversation back to the main point.
A – Appear Confident: Even if you’re feeling anxious inside, try to maintain a calm, confident demeanor. Confidence in your voice and body language can help the other person take your request more seriously.
N – Negotiate: Be willing to give a little to get what you need. If the other person isn’t immediately willing to meet your request, suggest a compromise or alternative that works for both of you.
DEAR MAN IN ACTION
1. Boundary Setting in Personal Relationships
Scenario: A friend often calls late at night when you're trying to relax.
Boundary Response:
DEAR MAN Strategy:
Describe: "I’ve noticed that you often call me after 10 p.m."
Express: "I feel really tired and need that time to wind down."
Assert: "I’d prefer if we could talk earlier in the evening, maybe before 9 p.m."
Reinforce: "This way, I can give you my full attention without feeling exhausted."
Tip: Keep it kind but firm. If they continue to call late, reinforce your boundary by not answering and reminding them of your request the next day.
2. Boundary Setting in the Workplace
Scenario: A colleague regularly asks you to do their work or handle tasks outside of your job description.
Boundary Response:
DEAR MAN Strategy:
Describe: "I’ve noticed that you often ask me to help with your reports."
Express: "I feel overwhelmed with my own tasks."
Assert: "I need to focus on my own workload, so I won’t be able to assist with your reports anymore."
Reinforce: "If you manage your own tasks, we’ll both be able to work more effectively and meet our deadlines."
Tip: If the person continues to ask, remind them of your boundary and redirect them to other resources, like their manager or colleagues.
3. Boundary Setting with Family
Scenario: A family member often comments on your personal decisions, like your career or relationship choices.
Boundary Response:
DEAR MAN Strategy:
Describe: "You often make comments about my career choices."
Express: "I feel hurt and frustrated when my decisions are constantly questioned."
Assert: "I’d appreciate it if you could trust me to make my own choices and refrain from giving unsolicited advice."
Reinforce: "This would help me feel more supported and valued in our relationship."
Tip: When family members have a hard time respecting boundaries, it can be helpful to reiterate your feelings and stay consistent. You may also need to limit the amount of time you discuss certain topics.
4. Boundary Setting in Romantic Relationships
Scenario: Your partner wants to spend all their free time together, but you need personal space.
Boundary Response:
DEAR MAN Strategy:
Describe: "You’ve been asking to spend all our free time together."
Express: "I love spending time with you, but I also need time alone to recharge."
Assert: "I’d like to set aside two nights a week for some personal time."
Reinforce: "This will allow me to be more present and engaged when we’re together."
Tip: Be clear about what "alone time" means to you. Reinforce the idea that space is healthy for the relationship.
5. Boundary Setting for Self-Care
Scenario: You find it hard to say no to people, often taking on too many commitments.
Boundary Response:
DEAR MAN Strategy:
Describe: "I’ve been saying yes to a lot of requests lately."
Express: "I feel overwhelmed and burned out."
Assert: "I’m going to start saying no to new commitments so I can focus on what I’ve already agreed to."
Reinforce: "This will allow me to take care of myself and do my best work."
Tip: It’s okay to say no without a lengthy explanation. If you struggle with guilt, remind yourself that saying no is necessary for your own well-being.
6. Boundary Setting with Strangers or Acquaintances
Scenario: A casual acquaintance makes overly personal or intrusive comments.
Boundary Response:
DEAR MAN Strategy:
Describe: "I notice you’ve been asking a lot of personal questions."
Express: "I feel uncomfortable discussing certain private matters."
Assert: "I’d prefer to keep our conversations more general."
Reinforce: "This will help me feel more comfortable and enjoy our interactions more."
Tip: You can deflect without being rude by changing the subject or using humor if appropriate. Being polite but firm can also prevent further boundary violations.
7. Boundary Setting in Social Media
Scenario: A friend constantly tags you in posts or messages you multiple times a day, making you feel overwhelmed.
Boundary Response:
DEAR MAN Strategy:
Describe: "You’ve been tagging me in multiple posts daily and sending frequent messages."
Express: "I feel overwhelmed when I get too many notifications."
Assert: "I’d appreciate it if you could limit how often you tag or message me."
Reinforce: "That way, I can respond thoughtfully when I do see your messages."
Tip: Use social media settings to limit notifications, and if the person doesn’t respect your boundary, consider muting or limiting their access to your posts.
8. Boundary Setting in Group Settings
Scenario: In group meetings or gatherings, you often feel interrupted or talked over by others.
Boundary Response:
DEAR MAN Strategy:
Describe: "I notice that I’m often interrupted when sharing my thoughts in meetings."
Express: "I feel frustrated and unheard when this happens."
Assert: "I’d appreciate it if we could all take turns speaking so everyone has a chance to contribute."
Reinforce: "This will ensure that everyone’s input is valued and we can have a more productive discussion."
Tip: Sometimes it helps to involve a moderator or a team leader if the group dynamics are particularly challenging.
In Conclusion, the DEAR MAN strategy is a powerful tool for effectively communicating your needs while maintaining healthy relationships. Whether you’re setting boundaries at work, expressing your feelings in a personal relationship, or advocating for yourself in a difficult situation, this technique helps you remain assertive and clear. By using DEAR MAN, you can navigate challenging conversations with confidence and increase the likelihood of getting your needs met. Practicing this skill regularly can enhance your interpersonal effectiveness and create more balanced, respectful interactions.